Dear Diva Rebecca,

My daughter met this lad just over a year ago. He was a lovely lad and he would do anything for her and she was really fond of him. The trouble was he had a really bad upbringing. He had been beaten a lot as a young child and was raised by hi alcoholic mother. He didn't live in our town and used to come to see my daughter on weekends. After a few months of us knowing him he got thrown out of his house so we decided he could come and stay with us. Eventually I got him into his own place and got him into college. He and my daughter were inseparable up until a couple of weeks ago. I thought my daughter was treating him poorly and I had a word with her. She said he had hit her. I spoke to him he said he was really sorry and it would never happen again. Now my daughter refuses to see or talk to him. He has sent her letters, text messages and been to the house but she won't discuss anything with him. He turned up at my house yesterday and he looked awful. He said he was going back to his home town as he couldn't bear the thought of not being with her. He had seen her the night before kissing this lad she had told him before they was just mates. He thanked me for everything I had done for him and said he will always love her and be there for my daughter. I told my daughter he was leaving and she didn't show one bit of emotion (I think she is involved with this other lad). My real problem is me. I just can't put him out my mind. He seems like an unstable boy and I'm just worried as he has no family that cares for him. I can't sleep or eat. I suppose I'm mad with my daughter. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense but if you have any advice.

Sincerely,

Love for My Daughter's Boyfriend
United Kingdom

Dear Love for my Daughter's Boyfriend,

You have a very caring and loving personality. What a great mother you must be. People like you are rare as well as few and far between.

I think that you have definitely grown a mother complex towards this young man. You got him out of his bad home, helped him get a new place and helped him get into college. When you put that much love and nurture into someone, you want to see them grow and be happy. You become a mother figure and you feel close to that person because you have helped in their maturity process. This is a natural feeling. You have become that pseudo-mother to him and it is only natural for you to feel this desire to protect and care for him in his time of grief. This is the same feeling that adoptive parents have toward their children. They feel just as close as they would if the child was biologically theirs.

As difficult as this may seem, you do need to put your own daughter's feelings about this ahead of your own. You can not urge her to give him another chance or anything like that. No man should ever hit a woman and if he does, she should leave him immediately. She was smart to do so and you need to give her praise on handling the situation with such swift and intelligent decision making. She needs to hear that from you and she needs you to be on her side. With regard to boyfriends, she will need to make her own decisions and you can not get in the way of them. Be happy for her and her new boyfriend and be accepting of whomever she may bring home. Let her know this so she feels comfortable talking to you about it.

And with regards to the ex, you can still keep in contact with him. Your daughter is almost an adult so you can feel free to have your own friends, your own life and your own connections. You feel like you need to take care of this boy so I would let him know that you will always be there for him. So he does not feel awkward, I would call him and send him letters here and there to check up on him. Do not give him any ideas that there may be reconciliations between him and your daughter, be firm about that. If he asks about her, be completely honest. Also, try not to talk to your daughter about him or about the communications that you have with him. Keep it private for now. You do not want your daughter to feel like you are betraying her. But if he asks, be honest.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca