Breaking up, whether it be a divorce after a long or short marriage or whether you are breaking up after a long or even short term relationship, is likely to set you off on a roller coaster of emotions. During a particularly rough break up, where your beloved is ending the relationship with you and causing an enormous sense of rejection to fill your inner spirit, you tend to act in irrational ways. You don't even recognize your own behaviors. Why is this?
Because breaking up or divorcing puts you through the exact same series of emotions as one goes through when experiencing GRIEF. You grieve because you have lost the one you love. When you break up, you lose that person on an emotional level, which can cause a heightened experience of grief. Losing someone on an emotional level could very well be much worse than losing someone physically.
Don't be ashamed if you are acting erratically or as if you are losing your mind. Your grief is perpetuating these emotions causing you to behave differently than your every day self. But the faster you recognize the symptoms of your grief and depression, the faster you can help yourself out.
The more irrational you act, the further away you WILL drive your loved one. It is possible to get back together with your ex, but you must allow for time to elapse. And if you begin to grieve, you must wait the process through. You can only hope for a reconciliation once you are emotionally healed.
- The first stage in breaking up grief is DENIAL (the can't be happening to me!). When your loved one first breaks it off with you, you may decide that this is surely not happening. You might coax yourself into thinking that everything will be fine in just a few days. And then you go on with your life, calling your loved one and acting like nothing has happened. Trust me, this will not work. It happened and you must learn to accept it. The faster you accept it, the faster you can work on the actual relationship problems down the road.
- The second stage in breaking up grief is ANGER (why is this happening to me?). I understand how much this hurts. The rejection, the pain, the feeling of absolute loneliness. You pray to god, pray to angels, pray to anyone who is listening to help take this godforsaken pain away. How could anyone let you suffer so? This is perhaps the worse stage you will suffer through. What you must remember is although you are hurting, and even though you don't deserve this much pain, your ex doesn't deserve to hurt too. As tempting as it sounds, don't try and hurt your ex just to make him or her hurt as much as you do. This will only add another stake to the coffin.
- The third stage in breaking up is BARGAINING (I promise to do this or that if only you will come back to me....) Forget about it, bargaining doesn't work. You can't guilt someone into getting back together with you. It will only make the relationship even worse. What you want and what you deserve is for the person you love to be with you because they love you too, not because they feel obligated to be with you. This is also the same thing as begging and it should be beneath you. Think about how pathetic you look begging for someone's affections. I am truly sorry to say it as bluntly as I just did, but some of you may need to hear it!
- The fourth stage of breaking up grief is DEPRESSION (I just don't give a shit anymore). Now hold on to your britches because if you haven't got there you you may be well on your way. A depression is when you tend to do some really strange things. You are lonely and saddened. You may try to alleviate this loneliness with random hook ups. These will only leave you feeling even emptier inside than before. You may just sit on the couch all day, crying. You might lose your appetite and lose weight, stop going to the gym, call in sick to work, get fired, etc. etc. If you feel yourself moving into a depression it is time to call friends and ask for help. It is OKAY to ask for help. Others have gone through this. Trying as hard as you can to stick to your routines helps. Going out with good friends and being with people as often as possible is the best medicine. Being alone worsens your state of mind. If you start to have those feelings of doom and gloom set in (ie, I'll never get married now, I wonder who my ex is with right now, I am such a loser), call up your best friend and explain your need for help. Good friends will always be there for you.
- The final stage in breaking up grief is Acceptance (I am going to move on and survive). It will be some time before you make it to this stage. At least several months, but you will make it here. It is only when you get to this stage when you will be able to reconnect with your ex because you will feel normal again. You won't be grieving and you won't be acting irrationally.
Suicide, or the threat of suicide, will never solve any problems. Many people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. But acting on them will get you no where. It is a selfish solution to a normal problem. Suicide hurts everyone you know, not just your beloved. It might get rid of your pain, but it will inevitably cause pain and anger for many others who love you. And although you don't deserve this pain, your ex doesn't deserve to be tormented for life either. Making threats of suicide will only aggravate your breaking up woes. Your ex will begin to distrust you even further, making the gap between you much larger.
Avoid alcohol and drugs. They only heighten your levels of depression and grief. Instead, keep going to the gym, take your vitamins, eat healthy and stay as active as possible. Keep a healthy flow of endorphins running through your body. This will help you get through much faster.
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