Dear Diva Rebecca,

I wasn't purposefully snooping, but I found a piece of paper in my husband's wallet with a woman's name and phone number on it. I am not usually jealous or suspicious, but this note has made me feel nervous. I haven't told him. Should I call the number and talk to her?

Sincerely,

Suddenly Worried,
Gloucester, Massachusetts

Dear Suddenly Worried,

The answer is simply "No".

I know you are dying to find out who this woman is and why on earth your husband has her number. You don't want to ask him because you are afraid you will get a lie or an excuse, or maybe you are just embarrassed to ask him because it will mean you were caught snooping. Perhaps you will even feel inferior because of that twinge of jealousy in your heart. But the truth is, there are thousands of legitimate reasons why he has this woman's number; and all you can think about is that one, single bad reason.

CASE IN POINT: I still remember this story from years and years ago because I felt so horribly stupid. My better half had gone out of town for the night and he told me he had some drinks with a friend at a restaurant while he was away. While I was doing laundry, I came across a piece of paper in his pocket that had the name "Kocco" on it and a phone number. The paper itself was a torn off piece of cardboard coaster which bared the name of the restaurant he said he had been to. I began to seethe in anger, jealousy and suspicion. Kocco. That just sounded like the name of some stripper. Instead of thinking of plenty of reasons why this number was in his pocket, I visualized him having drinks with another beautiful woman with a silly name. After thinking long and hard, I decided to call the number and find out from her what the deal was. I wasn't going to yell at her, I was going to let her know how silly I felt for calling but that I had to know the truth. So I mustered up the guts and called. No one answered so I decided to listen to the voicemail to hear her voice. A man came on the recording named "Rocco". Rocco. Not Kocco. It was a guy and I misread the name. My better half was telling the truth and I had challenged his honesty in my heart for no reason better than a stupid piece of paper.

Now this is a perfect example because out of all the scenarios which could have led to him getting this phone number, all I thought about was him having drinks with some other woman. And that whole time, the number wasn't even for a woman! But I just could not possibly conceive of any other idea.

Now if you call this phone number, you might get a woman on the line. But most likely there is a legitimate reason for it rather than him having an affair. She could end up telling you that she is a long lost friend who happened to see him in a store, she might be selling something, she might be in the same business and he was networking, she might be the wife of his buddy, and on and on and on. The problem, though, with finding out is that it might just get back to him. And when you discover that you were worried for nothing, you will fear that your snooping measures will reach his ears. And you will look bad. If he finds out that you went behind his back because you didn't trust him, he will be mad! I would be.

I understand that you just have to know so instead of going over his head (which directly insinuates that you don't trust him) ask him first if you must. But you must do so politely. If you ask him why he had another woman's number in his wallet, he will get mad and defensive because it sounds like you have already made your incriminating judgment. What you need to do is tell him first that you feel badly, nervous, anxious and worried. Tell him that you feel bad for finding something but you need his help in putting your worries to rest. Then let him know what you found, lightly, and put yourself in the vulnerable position. This way, he will not be able to defensive at all, especially when there is nothing to it. If you do it this way, he may even feel a little bit loved because you were so worried. Now if he STILL gets defensive, that may be the time to worry.

Hope I have helped.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca