Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been seeing this woman for the past three years. We were both married when we started seeing each other. It was as if we were made for each other; you know - soul mates and all. I sometimes feel that I am the one who is doing all the giving. I love her very much and there are many days I feel I can't live without her. She really is the most beautiful women that I have ever met. Our sex live is beautiful. I have never felt more connected to anyone in my life. Am I wrong to ask her why she doesn't seem to give to this relationship or should I not expect anything in return when I do something? Example: I am the one that will plan little things like candle light dinners, leaving romantic messages, sending cards etc. She says that I make her feel like there is a score card. I am not sure which direction to go. I went the past week without seeing her and it tore me up.

Sincerely,

Always Giving - Never Getting,
Costa Mesa, California

Dear Always Giving - Never Getting,

First of all, yes.....it is inappropriate to ask her to do something in return after you do something nice for her. When you do something nice for her, it should be because you wanted to do it and not because you wanted something in return. When you act like this, it just makes it seem like you are being selfish which is the exact opposite of the generous personality you thought you were exhibiting.

In some relationships, it begins with one person being the giver and one the receiver. That giver usually likes to give because it makes him or her feel good. The giver has a personality type that hates confrontation or anger. So by giving the giver feels like he or she will negate any bad feelings with gifts of love and adoration. The giver knows that when he or she gives a gift (any kind of gift whether it is emotional or tangible) the receiver is happy and shows signs of elation, thanks and appreciation. This is what the giver craves.

You are a giving type of person and this is a great personality type, in my view. You are very generous and you love to give. You are probably the kind of person that gets a gift for virtually everyone you know at Christmas time and you pile your close loved ones with loads of gifts during the holidays. Sound familiar? You love to give, it is just in your nature. Giving make you feel whole. You love to make people smile and keep them happy. If only everyone in the world was like that, right?

However, in a relationship this can backfire and I will tell you why. You have been seeing this woman for three year as you have stated below. You have been the giver since the beginning of the relationship. Some people have a hard time being the "receiver" but a giver will coax them into it and eventually they get used to receiving. Throughout the relationship you gave and gave and she got used to receiving. It is not that she became lazy or took you for granted, but it is the fact that you made her feel like she had to receive for you both to be happy. Giving makes you happy because it makes her happy, so if she received warmly.....she felt like she was making you happy on her own!

And now what happens is that the giver gives so much without getting anything in return, he or she lets it build up and then explode. That is sort of what is happening to you, just not on such a grand scale. You are getting frustrated for her lack of giving, but you created her to be the receiver. And now you have turned around and sort of attacked her for being the receiver. Well, you just can not do that. Now she is frustrated and so are you. She is going to feel like she can no longer be the receiver because if she does, that means that the potential is there for you to make her feel lousy again for not reciprocating.

What you need to do is STOP nagging her about this and just let her be. When you constantly attack or nag someone about something, it just makes them want to go run and hide. If you nag her about returning your affection, it will actually have the opposite effect of the desired result. If you stop the nagging, and give it some time, she will make an effort to become more of a giver on her own good time and will. She does not want it forced.

So be patient. And the next time you give a gift, never respect one in return. That is not truly the art of giving.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca