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Dealing With Break-Ups
- How To Get Your Ex Back Fast
Hi, I'm Chase Oliver and I'm 32 years old.
I was engaged to a woman named Sara, whom I was in love with more than anything...
And one day, completely out of the blue - she broke things off
She said she wasn't ready and that she needed time, and she didn't know how long it would take.
I was completely devastated. I mean, we had even had names picked out for our future children!
My whole world was flipped upside-down.
But then something very strange happened... Read the Rest
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Dear Diva Rebecca,
I have been seeing someone for a few months now. When I first met him I told him that I didn't want anything serious. And at the time this was the truth. Now I feel like I am ready for more but I don't know how to go about telling him without making things awkward. I don't want to make myself look stupid. At one point I mentioned something to him and tried to initiate the conversation but I think I went about it all wrong. He ended up thinking that I didn't want to talk to him! We are still dating and having fun and I am still dying to tell him how I feel.
Fear of Rejection
Dear Fear of Rejection,
I think a congratulations is in order. Sometimes it takes a while to admit to ourselves and to others that we just might be ready for a relationship. This is sometimes a scary premise. The most independent men and women travel from relationship to relationship (or fling to fling) because they are just not ready to commit to a relationship. Whether they fear the dependency, loss of independence and individuality or emotional vulnerability, a relationship can be a scary thing to someone who is highly independent. And when that person suddenly realizes that they just might be in love and starts to actually desire a relationship, the words just might be scared right out of him or her.
You didn't want anything serious back then. You might say this to a person to protect yourself, even when you really do want a relationship. When you say you don't want a real relationship while you are dating you are protecting yourself from being hurt emotionally. This way if he ends up breaking it of....no big deal. You had your emotional barrier up protecting yourself from any kind of hurt. You just move on without so much as a scratch.
Now you are utterly freaked out and confused because you want a relationship with this man. My guess is that this doesn't happen to you too often. Because you normally don't get emotionally attached and you are not used to "gushing", you are having a terrible time articulating what you want with this guy. Why? Because your emotional barrier is still halfway up. You are absolutely petrified that if you tell him how you feel, you will get shot down. That scares the living daylights out of you. You never let yourself get hurt and you are afraid to take that chance now. Guess what? You are completely normal.
Its okay to be afraid. Taking a change with love is always scary. There is always the chance that somewhere down the line you will get hurt. Can I be cheesy now and say that "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"? If you want a relationship you are going to have to open up. He is not going to understand what you want until you actually make yourself vulnerable and let him know how you really feel. Take a chance. If this is what you really want you have to go for it. If you never make yourself available to him emotionally, your relationship can not grow.
You said that your guy thought you "did not want to talk to him" after you tried to explain yourself. I can already picture in my mind why! You got nervous, had many long pauses and deep sighs, fragmented sentences that made no sense, and you still could not get what you wanted to say out. He was probably so confused, he might even have thought you were trying to break up with him!
You should let him know how you feel. Once you do, it will be all downhill from there, especially if he reciprocates. Make a list of everything you want to say. Sometimes it helps to get it down in paper. You have less inhibitions when you write because you are not face to face. Then let him know. Once you find out that he will not hurt you when you make yourself emotionally vulnerable, it will become a lot easier to start talking to him about your feelings and you will gradually ease your way into a deeper relationship. If he doesn't feel the same way, at least you know now and you can break away instead of still waiting and wondering for months down the road.
Not everyone will agree with me, everyone has their own opinion.
What would your advice be?
Be respectful and courteous. Rude remarks and slander of any kind will be removed.