Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating a wonderful man for 6 months. I'm very happy with all aspects of our relationship except for sex. Our first few weeks together were incredible but now I'm frustrated. My idea of sex is long languid sessions of exploring (like our first few weeks together) but his idea of sex is a five minute quickie in the morning when I've barely woken up. I've talked to him about this but he seems unwilling to accommodate me. Any suggestions???

Sincerely,

Sexually Frustrated
Taos, New Mexico

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

Most likely the problem lies within pressure. That will instantly turn a guy off.

I am sure you know that when you first hook up with a new guy, the sex is usually explosive. It is that newness of being with a new person that makes things so exciting. With that new person you have sex a couple of times every day, christen every room in the house and maybe even have long high-schoolish make out sessions in the car. Eventually, that explosive passion fades and you enter a new phase in your sexual relationship. You get used to each other and so the sex is not always as intense as it used to be. This does not mean that you do not have a sexual attraction with each other. This is completely normal. You can not expect to have intense passionate sex after being together for a while.

When a guy or girl does not try and indulge your sexual appetite, the usual reason is pressure. I think a lot of people will try and tell you that this person may have some fears associated with sex like diseases or pregnancy. But I disagree with this assumption. I think it is true for a few people, but not in a full blown relationship when the sex used to be good. I have done some research on the subject and most people who try and answer this question really come up with the most broad, basic and completely wrong assumptions. Ug.

When it comes to sex, there are a bunch of things that guys don't like, and it varies for all men. But truth be told, after a few months, they are not going to be interested in having these long explorational sexual sessions. Nope, not at all. I am sure there are a plenty of guys who would be interested in this long into the relationship. But for the most part, they become disinterested. The other problem is the pressure. You have told him this is what you wanted, and that creates pressure. It made him not want to do it even more. The more you bring it up, the worse he will feel about it and the more he will not want to do it. I would suggest to stop pressuring him on this topic. He wants to be the one in control and he feels like he is not. He would feel much better if he was able to initiate the sex you wanted on his own, by himself, in his own good time and without you bringing it up.

Finally, he may not want the type of sex you are craving, but he is a guy and there are some other types of sex he might crave. He probably does not want the long sessions in candlelight making love on the floor wrapped in blankets, but I bet he would love some whips and chains action. He is a guy, he likes to have dirty sex, and if you initiated THAT, he would love it. Wear some thigh highs and talk a little dirty. No man can resist.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca