Dear Diva Rebecca,

My last real relationship was 5 years ago. Since then I have always carried a torch for this one that I foolishly let get away five years ago. Would it be insane to hire a P.I. to find out if she is single and to see if it would be possible for us to start dating again? I really want to find out if she is to be the one for me. I am confused about why I am suddenly feeling so strong for her and why I desperately want to find her.

Sincerely,

Living in the Past

Dear Living in the Past,

I am happy to tell you that what you are experiencing is quite normal. Many of us wonder and contemplate what our past loves are up to these days. Everyone is bound to make some strong connections with a few people during their lives. After a few or even many years of separation from one of those special individuals, our interest can be peaked. We start to think of that person in a good light and we wonder what they could be doing after all these years, where they are now and how they are. This is completely normal. Everyone is bound to wonder about it.

It is also very normal for you to miss that person. There could be a number of reasons why. Sometimes a relationship with someone is just not right at the time. You may have been too young or just getting your life going and didn't have time for a committed relationship. Suddenly, when you feel like you have more to give and you are ready for a committed relationship, you look back and find that one special person. You wish you could reach back in time and pull her towards today now that you have become ready. In this case, she might have moved on by now. It has been a while. She might have found someone who was ready for a relationship when she was. If that is the case, you need to move on. There is no sense in trying to break up a happy relationship just because you are ready now. You should find someone on your own level who is single, which you will.

Sometimes it takes hurt and emotional pain to recognize the beauty of a long lost love. Some people break it off with an old flame and move on, not realizing how great the relationship was and taking it for granted. After a while, that person could get terribly hurt themselves in another relationship. This is a boomerang effect. When this happens, you are so hurt that you want to crawl back into those loving arms of the person you know would never hurt you like you have just been hurt. Sometimes it is this very pain which causes a person to mature. They see how they, themselves, have hurt others in the past by experiencing the same pain. Without warning, that person knows just what a committed relationship is and they are ready for one.

For whatever the reason, there is no harm done simply looking for an ex. I don't think I would go to the extreme of hiring a Private Investigator. That would be ludicrously expensive and a little bit overboard. If I were you, I would find an online website dedicated to finding old acquaintances like www.peoplefinders.com For only $10, you would probably be able to find her.

If you are able to locate this woman, don't start obsessing and do not stalk. Call her up, send her a letter or simply show up. Tell her straight out that you were looking around for her and that you "heard" about where she was. Don't let her know that you were researching her, that might come across as being a tad bit too desperate. Don't follow her around to see if she is dating someone either. This is just plain creepy. Be up front with her, you will feel better about it. You can find out quickly if she is single or not by asking her out for some coffee to catch up. If she is seeing someone she will hesitate and then tell you about him (unless she is not that into him). If she is single she will happily accept your offer. Catching up is fun, especially for women! We love to talk about ourselves.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca