Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating my fiance; for five years. We have lived together for four years and have been engaged for over two and a half years. Yes, 2 1/2 years. When he proposed things seemed to be moving along. I talked about setting a wedding date and he wanted to do that. Then a few days after we got engaged his ex-girlfriend contacted him. He said they were just friends and that was it. But of course, I am a woman and my mind went crazy. Since then he has refused to set a wedding date and has even teased that "You don't need to get married, you already did that and it didn't work out." I think that I have proven to him over the last 5 years that I am very serious about this relationship and that I am in this for the rest of my life. Now, his contact with his ex-girlfriend may have nothing to do with this, but he is still in contact with her. He doesn't always tell me when he speaks to her but eventually it comes out. I have also learned that he has seen her a couple of times, met for coffee etc. I have asked him to invite her to parties that we throw, but he says that she would be too uncomfortable. TOO UNCOMFORTABLE...what? I have spoken to him a little about how I feel but each time he gets mad and just says that I am blowing things out of proportion. Well, I don't think that I am. Should I lay it on the table that I don't want him to have any relationship even just friends with her, or should I just ignore it?

Sincerely,

Jealous of the Ex
Jordan, Montana

Dear Jealous of the Ex,

I want you to know that considering these circumstances almost any girl I know, including myself, would feel exactly the same way. You are not in the wrong to feel this way so don't let him try and make you feel bad about it.

What you should not do is tell him that he must no longer see his ex girlfriend. Ultimatums usually work against your favor. He should be cutting off communications with her on his own initiative but he is not, so that usually means that there is a little more to this relationship than
meets the eye. True, they could just be friends, but he might still have some more feelings for her in his heart. There could be a number of reasons why this relationship still exists and the fact that he will not let you two be together in the same proximity means that these reasons are not conducive to your relationship. No matter how innocent it may be, something is not right here.

Because you can not give someone an ultimatum such as this you need to help him see your side of the story. How? This may seem a little dirty but I want you to try initiating a new friendship with the best possible "ex" candidate that you can think of. Perhaps someone that he really can't stand or even an "ex" that is still digging you. This may seem a little childish but it falls within the realm of "all is fair in love and war" and it is one of the only ways you are going to get him to see your side of the situation. He currently has tunnel vision and this fix will give him the ability to see more clearly. It is also temporary. Once he begins to get upset about your casual meetings with your "ex", that is when you can hit him over the head with a reality bat and get him to stop seeing his ex.

The other problem is that he has put off setting a date. Now that you are engaged and have been for quite some time, you get to tell him to "shit or get off the pot". There should be no problems with him setting a date. I know you don't want to lose him but I don't see this as a problem. You let him know that you are not going to wait forever. There are things in your life that you want such as a successful marriage and family and you can not wait forever. This conversation should also be brought up as soon as he mentions how he is unhappy about you talking to your ex. One you let him know that it is now or never, he will be more than happy to set the date. If he still does not comply, think about moving on because there is something strangely amiss in your relationship.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca