living together after the break up

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    Hi, I'm Chase Oliver and I'm 32 years old.

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    Dear Diva Rebecca,

    After 2 & 1/2 years of dating and 18 months of living together the woman I love had sex with another man. After a night out (under the guise that she was having drinks for business) she came back to tell me that it's over and has been for several months. Just two days earlier she was asking me what days to book for the holiday trip to her family's house. She still sees him every other week. Since then, we still live together and have been going out, holding hands, working out 6 days a week, even stumble into kissing passionately. No sex. Earlier this week I decided that we should sleep in separate beds. Several times the topic has come up about what is happening and she says she's committed to us not getting back together but will still kiss me and make plans for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Xmas. The rational side of me says to create distance and I've asked her when she plans on moving out (we're financially "bound" until Jan). She answers but seems hurt with me asking. Working the whole "if you love someone set them free" angle but that is hard when she's in the next room or sharing diner with me.


    Still Living With Her,
    Greensboro, North Carolina

    Dear Still Living With Her,

    No, No, No. You are being completely used and abused. The amount of cruelty that this one woman is showing is absurd. You can no longer sit back and just take it. I know that you love her, but in cases like this you need to start caring about yourself more and put your own needs in front of hers. Not only is she treating you like crap, but you are also treating yourself poorly by allowing her to continue this charade of disrespect.

    What I want you to do is eat a can of spinach and grow some Popeye-sized balls. Take the initiative and leave. I know you said you are financially bound until January and you are afraid that you might hurt her, but you need to just do it. By staying around and living with this person who is cheating on you physically and emotionally night after night, you are only getting more and more deeply hurt. This will just get worse over time because you are holding on to that glimmer of hope that things might change down the road. As long as you remain this passive individual who will continue to allow her to use you, things will not change. She can get what she wants from you and she knows this. Stick up for yourself!

    What you should have done is left a soon as she announced to you that she cheated on you and it was over. But all is not lost yet. You can completely throw her cozy little world up in the air and really sock it to her. Right now she is very comfortable. She knows that he has this man (you) who will always take care of her. At the same time she is allowed to go gallivanting around with other men. Screw that. Screw her. Leave now while you still have some pride. When you leave, you will instantly feel some relief while reality will be closing in on your ex.

    By doing so, you are going to make her wonder why you are doing this and why your attention is no longer focused on her. She will probably try and change her mind and let you know that she wants to try again. That should not be good enough for you. You must still leave. It will take a while but she will slowly try and get you back. It just happens that way. If she really could not stand you, there is no way she would still be living with you. She wants to have you and other guys. Right now you are letting her have what he wants and that is why you must take it away.

    After you leave, start focusing on what makes you happy. (If you say "she" does I will slap you!). Go out on dates and start having fun. I know it is more comfortable to have a relationship but right now you need to separate yourself from your old relationship because it was a bad one. Eventually, you will become whole again and you will be able to distinguish from right and wrong, a bad relationship from a good one......and she will be in full regret mode begging for your return. Where you two go from there will be up to you. You could give her another chance, but you may have found another good woman to hang out with.


    Diva Rebecca

    Not everyone will agree with me, everyone has their own opinion.
    What would your advice be?
    Be respectful and courteous. Rude remarks and slander of any kind will be removed.