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Dear Diva Rebecca,
I have been in a relationship for almost seven months. My boyfriend and I have had a talk about his porn "addiction" he knows it bothers me. He knows how I feel about it and yet he still looks at it. Even worse is that he hides it from me now and denies it when he looks at it. When I talk to him about it I try to get him to see it from my perspective. I try to say things to him like "Well think of it this way, what if I was looking at these naked guys and got off on it and I also tried to hide it from you but you kept catching me...how would you feel about it?" He says he wouldn't care. I don't know what to do anymore. I've told him it bothers me and I told him it makes me feel like he wishes I was that woman he is looking at. The thing is, I'm overweight. I have dangerously low self-esteem. I'm depressed and at times suicidal. He knows all this about me. I told him that when he looks at porn it makes me feel horrible about myself. He still looks at it. Is it that he doesn't care about me enough to stop looking at it? Or does he actually need it because I'm not good enough for him? I have thought about leaving him, but I love him to death and he is a pretty good guy. He was the first person I was ever with sexually and that means something to me. Maybe I have him pegged all wrong. Please help me out here.
Jealous of Porn
Chicago Heights, IL
Dear Jealous of Porn,
Let me frank with you. All men love porn. Many of them might lie about it for the simple reason that they do not want to get in trouble. Men lie about it for the same exact reason they always say how beautiful you look when you ask, "Does this outfit make me look fat?" Men will avoid getting into trouble with their significant other at all costs. Men want to avoid drama. Now let me reiterate again: all men love porn.
Men love sex, period. They love to watch lesbians, blowjobs, orgies, gangbangs, jiggling large breasts, facials, cum shots, anal sex, dildos, cunnilingus and good ol' fashioned sex. If he says he doesn't like porn or any of the above mentioned practices, he is a liar. Any male friend of yours will tell you the honest truth, men love pornography.
Pornography actually has medically established addictive qualities which is one of the reasons it is such a huge market. Viewing sexual images has the same effect on a person and their brain as cocaine. It causes a chemical called epinephrine to be created in larger quantities and will even imprint these sexual images permanently into memory. The consumption of pornography can actually alter moods and be severely addictive, just like narcotics. Some people even go as far to say that pornography addicts go through the same stages as a drug addict. While I am not quite so sure that the problem is as troublesome as a drug addiction, it can cause strife within a relationship very easily.
While he most likely has a pornography addiction, you need to get over it. Why should this make you feel bad about yourself? Who do you think looks worse? You, because you might be a little overweight......or the bleach blonde bimbo with size 38DD fake breasts spread wide eagle with three guys around her for the whole entire world too see including her grandparents? Sure, she might look good for a whole 20 minutes but once it is over who wants to go home to a big screen slut that just took on a football team? Think about it. You are the keeper here. Pretty soon she will be a washed up porno actress working a street corner somewhere. Ewwww.
You need to get over it because he is going to look at pornography for most of his life. This is not a reflection on you, this is a reflection of his natural male hormones at work. He is not a bad guy because he looks at pornographic images. The more you try to accept it, realize that it is normal behavior and stop nagging him about it, the sooner his addiction will taper off. The more you bring it up to him, the more he will naturally think about porn causing him to, once again, seek out some satisfaction to calm the craving. By discussing the problem over and over you are only aggravating it.
Instead of focusing on him and trying to control him, you need to focus on your own life. You are letting the things that he does cause you anxiety and stress. Completely forget about this porn addiction for the time being and work on your own self image. Get your hair done, get a make over, go to a spa, re-vamp your wardrobe, sign up at the gym, get a manicure and most importantly.....buy new shoes. These are just a few of the hundreds of things that women can do to help themselves out in the low self esteem department. You decide how happy your own life is going to be. Start working on it!
Not everyone will agree with me, everyone has their own opinion.|
What would your advice be?
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