Dear Diva Rebecca,

I was surfing the net looking for some advice on how to deal with a diva/drama-queen wife. How does a more or less soft-spoken husband deal with such things as pouty lips, abrupt mood changes, "I'm not speaking to you", storming out and at times leaving the house every time things don't go her way, over-dramatizing, making small issues look TITANIC, slamming objects on table (i.e. mini-tantrums) etc... I could go on and on. Since you are an advice diva, may be you could tell me how to deal with this. Can I help her? Is there a difference between a diva and a drama queen? I think she could be more of a drama queen than a diva, but the diva is still there.

Sincerely,

Married to a Drama Queen
Brighton, MA

Dear Married to a Drama Queen,

There is a huge difference between a Diva and a Drama Queen. A Diva is all about love, giving love as well as receiving love. A Diva wants to make
people feel good about themselves, she wants to help others and have a large group of friends which is only accomplished with lots of care and love. This is just one small part of being a Diva, of course, but this one small part separates her from a drama queen by 180 degrees.

A drama queen exhibiting the characteristics that you supplied above
resembles that of a narcissistic personality type. If you do not know
anything about narcissism, you are in for a real ride. Narcissism is a real
personality trait that is named after Narcissus, a Greek boy who feel in love
with his reflection in a pool of water. And that is exactly what narcissism
is; it is a love on one's own reflection of one's self image and NOT a love
for one's own self (just the reflection).

Narcissistic people have a nasty disposition if something does not go their
way. They rely heavily on good emotions which they try and manipulate from everyone by controlling them. With idolization, love, fear, awe, respect and other emotions, you give the narcissistic their highly coveted
"narcissistic supplies" which they crave. All they want is to keep their
own self image in a good light. Once they feel that their image has been
broken somehow, they look to someone else to blame immediately. This is
where the temper tantrums come in. Just by saying you are sorry is not
enough. The narcissistic will go to all extremes to make you feel as bad as
they do and they can become extremely vile and seemingly inhumane. Once in a tantrum, she will have no respect for your emotions, heart or even her own image. She will become ruthless.

There are many degrees of severity with a narcissistic and each one will
vary in cruelty. She is probably not as bad as they can get, but it is
still bad enough. These temper tantrums will not cease without professional help and maturity. She does not realize what she is doing is wrong. She should get help especially if her tantrums worsen over time. The major problem would be getting her help. I am sure she would not be too happy if you just blurted out that you think she may have a narcissistic personality type. That would probably just throw her into a tantrum. There would be easier ways of getting around this which she "wouldn't have to know about". Such as making friends with a clinical psychologist, explaining the situation to that person, and have the two meet somewhere in a social environment. The psychologist could tell her that they think she has a very interesting personality type and he wouldn't mind getting her on the couch. This way, she could find out about her narcissistic personality type on her own without you being the one to point out her faults.

I think you should find out more about this personality type in books,
online and from doctors. You will be amazed at what you find out. You
could also find out how to elicit some of her better moods more easily.
Good luck!

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca