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Dear Diva Rebecca,
I am a 27 year old female who has been married to a man for four years. I have been with him for ten years. I recently met a woman who I have a deep attraction for. I met her while I was on vacation with friends and I cheated on my husband with her. I came back from my vacation and immediately told him. He seemed okay with it until I broke the news of wanting a separation, possibly a divorce. I continued seeing this woman every weekend since I came back; it has been about two months. I am now realizing I do not want to throw away the ten years of my life, however I care deeply for this woman. My husband is willing to try to save our marriage and I want to try as well, he is also aware of my sexual attraction towards women. I now have to tell her that I can no longer see or talk to her and it is tearing me up inside. I do love my husband, but I don't want to hurt her. She has been hurt so many times in her past and the last thing I wanted to do is hurt her. It took a lot for her to let her guard down and let me in her heart and now that she has expressed her feelings towards me I'm going to break her heart. I do have to at least try to save my marriage and put forth 100%, therefore I have to cut all ties to this woman that I care so much for. I do feel like I am falling in love with her and I really don't want to stop talking to her. I have never had feelings like this before. The minute I met her we both felt an immediate connection. I don't know if I can put these feelings aside and continue to try to save my marriage. I love my husband, but I am in love with her. I didn't think it was possible to love two people, but now I know it is. I need help, how do I tell her? Am I doing the right thing?
Torn Between Two
There are several points I would like to make about your email although I am sure a fair many of them are moot at this point. I will start off with a brief commentary of a few things that immediately came to mind.
You mentioned that your husband seemed "okay" when you broke the news that you had been with another attractive woman while on vacation. Seemingly enough, there are many men out there who might be a little perturbed at first about their wife announcing her affair with another woman; but they get over it quickly. Why? Probably because 95% of the husbands out there fantasize about two women together, or they have thought about it at least a few times in their lives. They surely never fantasized about their wives getting it on with another man (well, most of them anyway). So this presents an odd problem. Does he get mad when you tell him about your lustful affair with another hot babe? Hell no! The typical man is not going to risk losing the actual possibility that he may someday have a saucy menage trois with his wife! So, he is going to act fairly calm in hopes that you may begin to open up to him about the experience and let him in to your new sex cravings.
You also keep going on and on about how you feel so bad for this other woman. You say that it took a lot for her to open up to you and let you in and that she has been hurt so many times before. I hate to say this, but what about your husband? He has the same feelings, the same capability towards hurt and the same emotions. You seem to be more worried about hurting her than you are about hurting him. Believe me, either way someone is going to get hurt and you are just going to have to deal with that.
It is always hard to choose between two people when feelings go so deep with both of them. Yes, I do believe that you can love two people at the same time. This is because you never love two people in the same exact way. You can have one type of love for one person and another type for someone else. And both can be equally as strong. You do have a very difficult problem to solve and it is also a very common one. There are a lot of people who go through the same thing. However, to keep the hurt as brief as possible you need to make up your mind and make your selection now. The longer you wait, the more someone will be hurt.
In my opinion, you got married too young. I don't think anyone should marry before they are 26 years old. During the period of ages 18 through 25 everyone goes through a time of self identification. You are finding out what you like and what you dislike, and it is your experiences during this crucial time that plays a huge part in determining who you really are.
Your husband may be a wonderful man, and he sounds like it. And the fact that you want to stay in the relationship because of the time invested is a very noble quality. In many cases, this would be the right thing to do. There are too many divorces today in America for stupid reasons. Once you find your soulmate and make vows, you should stick with them. However, in your case I am leaning in the other direction.
You have a wonderful connection with this new woman. These feelings are few and far between. You are VERY lucky to have found someone that makes you feel this way, someone that you can connect with on a more profound than average level. You may have found true love. You were also brave enough to experiment with lesbianism, and moreover: accept it. There are too many women out there who reject the idea simply out of fear but you elevated yourself above the common ignorant misconceptions and gave it a chance. I think there are not enough women out there who have indulged in the pleasures and contentment of being with another woman. I say, Bravo to you!
I think you need to give this woman a chance and let go of your husband. It sounds like your heart has already made the decision but you were looking for affirmation of staying with your husband because it seems like the "right thing to do". Maybe at the country club it is. But in the long run, you need to go where your heart takes you. You love this woman and, yes, you may love your husband but the bonds with him are not as strong. You have found what may be your soul mate. Do you think you should give this up because of your previous commitments?
Being true to yourself is being true to your heart. Your husband will forgive you with time and he will be better off in the long run.
Not everyone will agree with me, everyone has their own opinion.|
What would your advice be?
Be respectful and courteous. Rude remarks and slander of any kind will be removed.