Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have a couple of problems I hope you can help me with. First being my inability to express how I feel in words. I have no problem writing them down and then giving them to my girlfriend. Is there anything I can do to change this? I really want to because even though I may get my point across with what I write, I know it would have more impact if the words were spoken. My second problem is a little more complicated. I have troubles trusting and become overly jealous, suspicious, and possessive. I think it is because of the last "serious" relationship I was in. The girl I was dating really manipulated and used me and these are the ugly side effects of that. Well this girl I'm dating now I REALLY care for and being in this condition can only hinder our relationship. And tonight I tried something I really regret. I let her go to homecoming with another guy under the guise of "just friends". And well now I sincerely regret it but I was just trying to help myself get over the things I feel are holding me back from giving my all to her. So, please help me.

Sincerely,

Expression Problems,
Manchester, New Hampshire

Dear Expression Problems,

Concerning your first question: that is a very common problem. When you are writing a letter to someone concerning your feelings, you are less inhibited. You are able to say what you want to say quite easily because you are not facing that person. Usually, when one has a hard time getting out their feelings to someone's face, it is because they fear rejection. You have a hard time telling her your feelings because you are afraid that she will show some sort of emotion that you do not like or wish to see whether it be anger, sadness, revulsion or even indifference. You fear her reactions because you are putting her thoughts and feelings above your own, and I bet you did not even know you were doing that, did you? What you have to remember when trying to tell her how you feel is to be completely honest. Forget about what she thinks and her opinions and stop trying to please her so much because it is just influencing your train of thought. Tell her what is on YOUR mind, and what YOU are thinking and how YOU feel, regardless of what you think she might say or do. Be honest. Honesty will also get you a better reaction from her. When you stop telling her your real feelings just to try and keep her happy, it is actually making things worse because you end up blowing up eventually causing you to write her a letter to explain your feelings. This is a never ending cycle.

You may think I am ranting about this but I have a reason, keep reading.

Your second problem made me think that you may have a slight co-dependant problem. Co-dependents get very jealous, as you have told me you are doing right now. First, you told her she could go with her friend so you must abide by your first feelings towards this. If you get upset about it later, it will only anger her, cause her confusion, cause her to think twice about asking you for permission next time and could even push her away. It is not fair to tell someone that something does not bother you and then change your mind after the fact. Remember, be honest up front.

Co-dependants usually get so involved and caught up with their significant other that they "lose themselves". They have a hard time expressing their own feelings (as you even said before) because they are afraid of rejection. They sole desire is to please their love. They even change their feelings (or try to) just to please him or her. Pretty soon, they even forget about themselves, all they think about is the other. Eventually, these thoughts and feelings turn to constant anxiety and worrying about their beloved. They start to wonder about their fidelity and honesty and get increasingly anxious about it. Pretty soon they are throwing around unfounded accusations about their infidelity and honesty. Co-dependents do things like check up on their beloved anonymously, do drive-by's to see if he or she is where they said they would be, check private email and things like that. This eventually causes the relationship to crumble and will cause the co-dependent to become completely erratic, ant-social or severely depressed. Of course, there are varying degrees of the co-dependent. But you get the idea.

Think about this and see if it applies to you. I am going off of very limited information, of course, but it what you said in your email seemed very familiar and it fit the profile well. You can find more info about co-dependency on the net and you can find some resources to help you battle jealousy. In the end, you need to be more honest with your feelings when you talk to your girl because that is what is going to help you the most

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca